Trouble in Paradise
by Verbum
Summary: When newlyweds Lily and James Potter begin to have some problems adjusting to married life, a star-spangled marraige counselor and polyjuice potion save the day.
1. Trouble in Paradise

Trouble in Paradise 

by Verbum

Author's note: I own what I own, and that is the idea, and Penelope Taylor. That just about cover it. The rest all belongs to JK Rowling, and I can't afford being sued. All you'd get is half-done economics homework, anyway. Oh, and a stack of FAFSA papers. It's not really worth it, trust me.

Monday Night:

A nagging feeling was forming in the pit of the recently newlywedded Lily Potter's stomach as she washed the daily dishes, the kind of ache where she knew something was wrong. Her husband, James Potter, was 3 hours late getting home from his job at the ministry. No owl. No note left conspicuously on the kitchen table for her to find and slap herself with for being so stupid. _He could be dead, be could have been caught be some dark wizard, he could--_

"Lil, I'm home!" The door slammed behind him as James walked over to his wife and gave her a peck on the cheek. Lily grimaced, making James frown.

"What's wrong?" She was on the verge of tears, and she turned away from him and continued her washing. _Damn it_, James thought. _Not again_.

"Where were you?" Lily asked, as she set the clean plate next to the sink and began scrubbing the next one.

"Out with Sirius and Remus at the Leaky Cauldron." She stopped and looked at him for a moment or two.

"You could have owled, you know." _How utterly inconsiderate._

_Uh-oh_. "Now that you mention, I could have. I just didn't think you'd worry." He stopped, and glanced at the sour expression on her face. "So what's for dinner?" The plate she held dropped to the floor and shattered.

"Didn't think I'd worry, what with my Auror of a husband missing? Look what you made me do." She reached into her robes for her wand and swept away the broken plate pieces.

"It's not that big of a deal, Lil," James pointed out. She rounded on him.

"Put yourself in my shoes, then." James grinned.

"My feet aren't that small." She rolled her eyes.

"Never mind. I shouldn't have even brought it up." James sighed. He hated when Lily got that way, where everything became an argument. A nagging thought was entering the back of his mind.

"It isn't that time of the month again, is it?" Lily's pale face flushed in anger.

"I don't BELIEVE you just asked me that!" James was beginning to get frustrated.

"Well, you snapped at ME when I came through the door, as I recall." She shook her head.

'James, this is stupid."

"You started it!" 

"You're so damned childish. I don't know what I see in you sometimes."

"I don't know either. I'm leaving." James walked back towards the door.

"What about dinner?"

"Goodbye," James yelled, apparating out of the yard. Lily sat down at the kitchen table, ignoring the wet dishes, and buried her head in her arms.

* * * * * * * * * * 

"You said what?!" Penelope Taylor yelled at James, as he sat down at Sirius' kitchen table and recounted his story to Remus, Sirius, and to her.

"I asked her if it was her time of the month! What's so bad about that?" 

Penelope shook her head. "Poor, poor boy."

"You just signed your death warrant, Prongs," Remus Lupin said, his hands on Penelope's shoulders. Sirius Black snickered.

"Smooth move, butter. What number fight is it now?" James mentally ticked off a few numbers in his head.

"5, I think." All eyes in the room were on him. "What?"

"Is that some newlywed thing?" Sirius asked, looking at Remus and Penelope.

"I hope not," Remus said, shrugging. "I really and truly hope not. It's hard enough living with her when we're not fighting." Penelope whacked him good-naturedly.

"Maybe you should see somebody about that," Penelope said, after kissing Remus on the cheek to make up for his sustained injuries. "I'd hate to see the two of you split up."

"So would I," Sirius agreed. "I'd need a new target in that case." James rolled his eyes.

"Either way, I need a place to crash for tonight. Do you all mind?" 

Remus thought for a moment. "There's the couch or my room." 

Penelope raised her eyebrows. "And were would you sleep if James was in your room?"

"Well, there's the couch... unless you're willing to share, of course." He grinned at his fiancee, who groaned.

"Such a martyr, I see. You get the couch." James laughed.

"No worry, couch is fine. Got an owlbook?" Sirius rummaged in a corner of the living room and returned with a slightly dusty book full of yellow parchment.

"Why do you need it?" he asked, wiping his hands on his robes.

"I need to find that counselor." He flipped open the book to "c" and adjusted his glasses.

* * * * * * * * * * 

A tawny owl fluttered through Lily's open window, one that she recognized as Archimedes, Sirius' owl. She untied the slip of parchment from its leg, and the bird sat on her nightstand, preening its feathers.

_Lil_, it began,

_I'm sick of all the fighting, and I have an idea_.

No he doesn't, Lil. I suggested it. --Penny 

_Whatever. Enclosed, you'll find the address of a counselor I hear is quite good. At least, that's what it said in the owlbook. There's really nothing to lose except this damnable fighting. Send your response back with Archimedes_.

_I love you_ _(isn't that sweet?--Sirius)_,

James 

_PS, ignore those stupid comments from everyone else. Those were added when I took the occasional break. I still love you_ _(Geez, that is cute--Remus)_.

_James Potter, your **loving** husband_

Lily smiled. This would work out after all. James was right, anyway. There **was** no drawback. She looked at the ad that he had cut out, made of shiny yellow parchment. Gold lettering spelled out:

_Dr. Renee Jigger (no relation to the writer), marriage counselor. 25 years of experience, a success every time. **Money back guarantee** if your relationship isn't patched up in 3 weeks or less *_

_*owl for details_

Well, they had nothing to lose, after all...


	2. Born in the USA

The next morning at breakfast (the Lupin/Black/Taylor house)...

"Look, a response," James said when Archimedes fluttered through Sirius' kitchen window.

"Well, that's nice to hear. Can I have my couch back now?" Sirius asked from the hall bathroom, toothbrush in hand. Remus looked up from the stove.

"Good luck, Prongs," he said, between stirring something in one of the simmering pots and conjuring some milk.

James took the piece of parchment off of the owl, to whom he handed a carrot. Sitting down at the table, he unfolded the slip of parchment and resettled his glasses.

_James_,

_I'm so sorry that argument even happened last night. I was a huge bundle of nerves and (Great Wizards, this is getting repetitive) you really should have left a note last night. Off of that, it is time we see someone about this. I've already made arrangements to see Dr. Jigger, at noon, which gives you plenty of time to get ready and come back here._

_Here's to the end of stupid newlywed arguments!_

_Lily Potter, your **loving** wife_

"So she gave you plenty of time to get ready and get back over there, eh?" Sirius said suddenly, a glint in his dark eyes as he read the note over James' shoulder.  James jumped.

"Pervert," James muttered, folding the parchment and slipping it into his back pocket. "Well, I'm off."

"Later," Sirius said.

"Give my regards to Penny."

"I will, when she gets back," Remus replied, busy at the stove. 

James' eyebrows rose. "Where is she?" 

Remus turned around and grinned. "Putting up with Alastor Moody."

"Geez, has it been that long?"

"I'm afraid so, Old Bean," Sirius interjected. "Now, get moving before you start another argument with Lil."

"Fine, I can see where I'm not wanted." 

"Go home, James," Sirius said, pointing to the door. Remus shook his head, chuckling.

"No," James responded, catching on to the game.

"Go, James. Now."

"Uh-uh."

"Now, James Harold Potter!" 

James feigned an angry look. "I don't have to take this. I'm going home!" he announced, marching out of the door and apparating from their front yard. Remus turned to Sirius.

"Is that always necessary?"

"It's tradition, Moony! Now go home!" Sirius said, pointing upstairs.  Remus sighed.

* * * * * * * * * * 

"There you are!" Lily exclaimed, in a state of half-undress, fastening her earrings. James stood still while she whizzed by him.

"Huh?"

"The appointment with Dr. Jigger! It's in 2 hours!"

"So? We have time!" He caught her around the waist and kissed her.

"James," she said, when they had come up for air, "Don't get me wrong here. I love you, I love your kisses, and everything else you do, but we just don't have the time right now!" She pulled away from him, laughing, and threw him a pair of robes that were lying on the bed.

"Here, get washed and put these on. I'll meet you downstairs."

"But--"

"James," she said, closing her eyes. "Just do it." 

"Anything for you, dear," he said with a smile.

An hour later, when Lily looked divine and was satisfied enough with James' appearance, they apparated into Hogsmeade, gaining many odd stares from Hogwarts students and the locals.

"Lily, people are staring at us."

"So? You've never let that stop you before."

"Point taken. Where is she?" 

Lily scanned the main street.  "You know what? I have absolutely no idea," she said, blushing.

"Well, maybe we had better ask." He approached an aged fellow, some 70 years old or so, sitting under a cafe umbrella.

"Uh, excuse me sir," he said. The old man looked up.

"Eh?"

"We're looking for the office of Dr. Renee Jigger. I don't suppose you know where we can find her?" The man broke into a toothless grin.

"Right upstairs, son," he said in a thick cockney accent. "Done me an' me wife lots o' good a few years back. What'sa matter? Trouble with th' ole' maypole?" James blushed scarlet.

"Uh..." Lily, seeing his obvious discomfort walked over to them.

'Thank you very much, sir. We really appreciate it." She took James' arm, and headed up the stairs behind the old man.

"No problem! She'll fix yer problem right in a jiffy!" he called after them. Lily burst out laughing at the top of the staircase.

"Trouble with the 'ole' maypole'? Well, now that I think about it..."

"Lil!" She flashed him a grin.

"I'm busting your chops, James. Your 'maypole' is just fine." James opened his mouth to protest, when another voice sounded, different from either of theirs.

"Enter," the misty voice said. James and Lily looked at the wide oaken doors in front of them.

"I suppose I should go in first," James said, reaching for the door handle.

"No!" Lily exclaimed, taking his hand. "We'll go in together." They faced the door like 2 people heading for certain demise, until James suddenly grabbed and turned the handle, opening the doors.

The overpowering smell of frankincense wafted out of the door and down the narrow hallway and staircase. Lily coughed. James, still holding her hand, led her into the room. The lamps were victorian styled, and had red and orange scarves draped over them. An unused disco ball hung from the ceiling, and clashed with the stylish beige leather furniture and Persian rug. The a fire in the fireplace was going, simmering something that gave off an acrid smell, only blocked partially by the enormous recliner in front of it where someone was sitting.

"My God," James whispered to Lily, "it's like Breakfast at Tiffany's meets Saturday Night Fever."

"It's like living with Sybill Trelawney all over again," she replied, still glancing at the furnishings. A wasp of a woman stood up from her station at the fireplace and walked over to meet them. 

"Hello," she began, in a misty voice tinged with a slight Brooklyn accent. "I'm Dr. Renee Jigger." Dr. Jigger's short and obviously dyed burgundy hair was stiff with hairspray, giving it the appearance (and texture) of a helmet, only one with a bright chartreuse shawl hanging down from the back, whose silver sparkles caught the light and added to the disco-y décor. Her robes were electric blue, matching her shoes and the rhinestones on her horn-rimmed glasses. James even caught sight of a couple gold teeth. Lily, attempting to suppress her laughter but failing miserably, went into a violent coughing fit. 

"I say," Dr. Jigger said quietly. "Is she... right? If you know what I mean?" Lily stopped coughing and glared at her.

"I assure you, my mental functions are okay," she said icily.  Jigger raised her heavily penciled-in eyebrows.

"If you say so, _dearie_." The misty accent fell apart and the Brooklyn part of it took over. "So," she continued, "what can I do for you? Trouble with the old maypole?" James blushed again.

"_No_," Lily said. "We've been having... problems with one another since we got married a few months ago."

"_I can see why_," Dr. Jigger said, under her breath.  "Have a seat."

Lily flushed red as she took a seat on the leather couch.  "Excuse me?"

"Oh, nothing, nothing," Jigger replied hastily, her misty voice coming back. "Now, tell me about these problems."

"Well, we keep arguing about the dumbest things," James said as he joined Lily on the couch, his voice having returned to him.

"Mmm-hmmm..." Dr. Jigger said, conjuring a notepad and a quill and scratching a few notes.

"And we don't know why. I mean. We dated all through school, and it was perfect, but now it's just like..."

"Trouble in paradise," Lily said, finishing his sentence. Dr. Jigger was still scribbling on the notepad.

"Go on," she said, not raising her eyes. James opened his mouth to speak, but Lily shushed him.

"I don't think she's paying attention," she whispered quietly. "Let's see."

"So," James continued, in a serious voice, "I think our marital problems stem from the fact that I have a tap-dancing ferret in my pants." Lily snorted.

"Yes, that seems to be it. Please continue." Jigger was still writing something on her pad, so Lily apparated behind her to get a good look at it. 

_Things to do:_ the set of notes was titled.

v _Hair appointment at the Fashionable Witch. Make note to change color from Sultry Scarlet to Dazzling Dandelion_

v _Dervish and Banges, after quick appointment with the Potters_.

Underneath was a half-finished picture of a new car.

_Hmmph_, Lily thought, listening to James spout things about devastating astrological charts and the way she folded his underwear. _Let's have a little fun._

"That," she added, and the fact that I'm secretly in love with James' father, and I'm currently carrying his child." Dr. Jigger's head snapped up.

"You're what?!" she asked in shock.

"Oh, nothing, nothing," Lily said sweetly, in an imitation of her. Dr. Jigger continued to look at her, horrified.

"So what do you think?" James said, coming behind Lily and resting his hands on her shoulders.

"Uh..." Jigger began, turning around, "well, there's a lot of... tension... in this marriage, it seems. I think that you two need to step into each other's shoes." 

Lily's mouth dropped open. "James, isn't that what I said? The other night?" 

James wrinkled his brow. "You know what? I think it is." He turned to the flustered Dr. Jigger.  "And how do you suppose we do this?"

"I--uh... well, there are many ways to go about this... wait, I have an idea!" She scampered off into another room on her glittery high heels, and returned a moment later with a huge jug of some sort of thick glutinous liquid that hardly sloshed against the sides.

"What is that stuff?" James asked, holding his nose against the smell.

"Dr. Jigger's patented Switching Formula! Turns you into someone else for an extended period of time, and contains essential vitamins and minerals!" Lily gave her a strange look.

"That's Polyjuice Potion, invented back in 1090 AD." Dr. Jigger glared at her.

"It's new and improved," she said defensively. "Look, do you want help or not?" Lily opened her mouth to speak, but James beat her to it.

"Yes, we do."

"Well, then, do what I say. Take this potion for a week, and see what it's like."

"And you're sure this will work?" James said, eyeing the polyjuice potion with skepticism. Dr. Jigger shrugged.

"Can't do any harm, can it?" She looked at her watch. "Oh, look at the time! I have a lot of appointments to cater to!" Lily cleared her throat.

"Yes, well, we'll leave you to those. What do we owe you?" Dr. Jigger conjured a calculator and punched in a few keys.

"20 Galleons, including my potion." 

James choked. "What?!" 

Jigger smiled, showing her gold teeth. "Well, good help doesn't come cheap."

* * * * * * * * * * 

The kitchen table was exquisitely set that night, and Lily had laid out their best china and silverware. James came down the stairs in his new dress robes and gave Lily a peck on the cheek.

"So, here goes." He picked the jug that had been given to them by Dr. Jigger and tipped its contents into his wineglass. The murky brown substance bubbled and frothed as he proceeded to fill Lily's glass, too.

"Now for the last part," he said, plucking a hair from his head, and motioning for Lily to do the same. He handed her his hair, and vice versa, finally leading to James holding her long copper strand above his glass.

"To peace," Lily said, dropping James' hair into the glass, causing the potion to turn a nasty acid green. She downed it in one gulp. James looked apprehensively at his, which had turned a funny shade of orange. Raising the glass, he downed it, also, and immediately doubled up in pain.  When he next looked up, James came face to face with... himself?

"My oh me, what a handsome devil I am," he said, then stopped. It wasn't his voice that he heard; it was Lily's. And then he realized that his robes, which had been a bit too small around the waist when he had gotten them had all of a sudden gotten much bigger, and that his feet were dwarfed by the shoes he had on. Lily (in James' form) was trying to tug off her shoes due to her sudden increase in mass.

"If you say so," she said, exasperated, managing to pull off a dainty high heel and throw it away from her. She stood up, and peeked over her husband's head.

"Hey, I can get used to this," she said, and James smiled.

"I think we can now prove that Dr. Jigger is a definite fraud. This is pointless. And what the hell did she put in that stuff?"

"Well..." Lily began, picking up the jug and looking on the back. "Maybe not a total fraud. Let's see. Dr. Renee Jigger's World Famous Switching Formula, as heard on the radio... Boomslang Skin... the usual. Wait a minute." 

"What?" James' wrinkled his brow, and ran a smooth, feminine hand over it.

"Who on earth puts a bezoar in Polyjuice Potion?" Lily asked, goggling at the jug. "Professor Ether said that it causes some pretty strange effects..."

"Oh, dear," James said. "I have a feeling this is going to last awhile."

"The directions say to take one gobletfull a week. Oh dear."

An evil smile was growing on James' face. "Think of all the fun we can have with everybody."

Lily clapped a hand over her mouth. "Damn!"

"What is it?"

"Penelope invited me and Sirius' girlfriend over for a 'girl's night out' tomorrow night." 

James unwrinkled his brow and removed his hand.  "That reminds me… Remus, Sirius, and I were going to go out, too." Lily frowned, and James realized just how weird it felt to be in another person's body.

"Well, I don't want to back out of it... maybe you could go in my place," Lily said, hopefully.  

"Wouldn't that be a bit awkward?" James asked.

Lily looked at him, raising her eyebrows. "I shouldn't think so. You look like me. You sound like me."

"But I don't act like you. I don't want to sit around and watch chick-flicks all night while talking about... about PMS or something."

"And I don't want to hang around a bunch of drunk guys all night, checking out girls." 

James cracked a smile.  "Awww, why not? The Three Broomsticks is fun!""

"Oh well," Lily said, continuing, "it's an 'exercise'. We'll be 'walking in each other's shoes'."

"I had no idea Jigger meant it literally."

"James!"  Lily exclaimed, smiling.  "Besides, you'll score brownie points with the girls. Lucy (AN: this is Sirius' girlfriend) won't think you're such a pig." 

James' eyes opened wide. "I'm not a pig!" 

Lily grinned.  "If you say so, Wilbur.  Oh, James…" James was pouting at the other side of the table. Lily stretched and yawned.

"Anyway," she began once more, "it's late, and I'm tired. Night, Porky." James glared at her as she walked by.

"You're sleeping on the couch," he said.


	3. Girl Talk/One of the Guys

Day 1 of treatment:

"Do I really have to go?" James pleaded, as he searched around Lily's closet for a pair of jeans and a blouse.

"Yes. If I have to hang around Sirius, then you have to go with Pen and Lucy." Lily was busily trying to fix James' hair in the mirror. She had tucked his shirt in, put a belt around his waist, and was now attempting to comb his hair straight. James poked his head out of the closet and giggled.

"Oh, give it up, Lil. You look like a blooming idiot."

"What?" 

"Untuck your shirt and take the belt off. And don't touch the hair."

"Men," she muttered, putting the comb down.

"Bugger!" James exclaimed, attempting to slide the jeans over his hips. They were a bit too tight, though, and he ended up hopping on one foot and holding his breath.

"Lil," he gasped out, "aren't these a bit small?" Lily glared at him as she pulled on one of James sweaters.

"You just don't know what you're doing, that's all." James had finally managed to button the fly, and looked at himself in the mirror.

"Sexy," he said, admiring the view. "If I weren't a woman, I'd--"

"James!"

"Kidding, dear. Where are they?" 

Lily looked out the window. "I don't know if they're apparating or what. Oh well. We'll take Floo powder if worse comes to worse."

"Oh, okay. Ripping." He reached for her purse, and walked towards to the door leading outside to the staircase.

"Oh, and James," Lily called to him.

"Yes, Lil?"

"Don't forget to bring some tampons. I'm expecting any time now." James stopped in his tracks.

"Tam-- what?'

"Tampons, James Potter. The ones in the white box with the daisies under the sink." 

James felt queasy all of a sudden. "Oh... expecting what?"

"The only thing you use them for, James!" James shook his head and resignedly walked down the stairs to the hallway bathroom. A cacophony of noises issued from the fireplace, and out tumbled Penelope and Lucy, laughing and brushing dust off their robes.

"Are you ready?" Penny asked him.

"I... uh... have to get something from the bathroom."

"Ahhhh," Lucy said, knowingly. James ran to the bathroom, grabbed a couple of the paper-wrapped feminine products, and stuffed them into Lily's purse.

"C'mon," Lucy said, grabbing James' wrist and dragging him back through the fireplace. Penny looked at Lily.

"Bit excitable today, isn't she?" she asked, nodding back towards the disappearing Lucy. James gave one last plea, and disappeared into the fireplace. Lily decided to play along.

"I think she almost said hello to me." 

Penny frowned a little. "Well, that's Lucy Graham for you.  Bye now!" She stepped through the fireplace herself and disappeared in a puff of smoke. Looking around the room, Lily shook her head.

"Women," she said, and she apparated away.

* * * * * * * * * * 

"Ohhhh!" Penny said, when she had arrived back at the house. "What do we have?" Lucy grinned, and produced a couple of movies out of a plastic bag from the nearest rental store.

"Let's see..." she began. "Casablanca, My Fair Lady, and Breakfast at Tiffany's!" 

"Ripping!" Penny exclaimed, as she took a seat on the couch. "Lemme conjure up some snacks!" James sat at the foot of the couch and groaned.

_How can women have so much fun watching these movies?_ He thought. Penny, tall and strawberry blonde, was conjuring some popcorn and sweets, while the petite Lucy was pushing back her shoulder-length brown-black hair and fiddling with the VCR.

"Ugh," Lucy was saying. "I have cramps." Penny looked at her sympathetically. James groaned inwardly.

"You know, I never really had a problem with those," Penny said, taking a handful of popcorn. "I always got headaches."

"Those are the **worst**," Lucy agreed, sitting back onto the couch.

"As a matter of fact..." Penny said, getting up and throwing a handful glittering white powder onto the fire. A whirling noise ensued, and Remus stood in the hearth.

"Yes, Penny?" he asked, mildly.

"Do we have any aspirin in the house?" Remus thought for a few seconds.

"No, actually. Do you want me to pick some up?" 

Penny smiled at him.  "If you could."

"Sure, luv." He kissed her on the cheek and stepped back into the fireplace, disappearing. Lucy put her hand to her heart.

"That's so sweet, isn't it Lil?" she gushed.

James was shaken out of his reverie. "Huh? Oh, yes. Very sweet."

"You're not very talkative tonight." _This was beginning to get scary now._

"Oh, well, I don't feel all that great."

"Poor Girl," Penny said. "If we had any aspirin, I'd give you some."

"Stock up on echinacea," Lucy said. "Stuff works like a charm. Literally." Penny laughed.

"Well, do you need cough syrup or anything? Are you sick?" Penny asked. Lucy was studying Lily's face. Or what she thought to be Lily's face, at least.

"I think you look a bit depressed, actually. St. John's Wort helps. What did James do this time?" A warning signal flashed in James' head.

"James? He--uh, well..." _Screw this_, James thought. _I'm having some fun_. "He's never home, and when he is, it's like we're strangers. All he wants to do is hang out with his buddies, and I've taken second wheel." Lucy's mouth hung open in shock, but Penny had a skeptical look on her face.

"That's horrid!" Lucy exclaimed. "We need to have Girl's Days Out more often. Now enough about men. Let's watch some real charmers." She switched on the movie, and, with a wave of her wand, the lights dimmed. Penny leaned over to James.

"Are you SURE you don't want some cough syrup?"

* * * * * * * * * * 

Lily found herself sitting in the dim light of the Three Broomsticks with Sirius and Remus looking around the room, surveying the crowd. Sirius appeared to be searching for something important (or, as the case was, someone).

"How about her?" Sirius asked, discreetly pointing at a shapely brunette. Remus shook his head.

"I like mine blonde." 

Sirius grinned. "Suit yourself, Moony. How about you, James?"

"Huh?" Lily looked up from the (limited) menu, and followed to the place where Sirius was pointing. "What about her?"

"Prongs, darling," Sirius began in a falsetto imitation of Lily, "your heart belongs to one and only!" Lily inwardly sighed.

_How can men just sit here and do this stuff?_ She asked herself, as Sirius stood up and accosted the object of his attention.

"So, Prongs," Remus began, after flagging down Rosmerta and ordering another mulled mead (Lily noticed that Rosmerta obligingly bent down and highlighted her low-cut attire while taking his order), "how is the counseling going?" Lily almost spit out her butterbeer.

"Oh, yes! That! Fine, just fine." Remus, being a bit tipsy, didn't quite notice Lily's startled answer.

"Oh, good. I hope it all works out." He clutched his stomach. "Krikey, I think I've had too much mead." At that moment, Sirius returned, with a bright red slap mark on his face and an even brighter smile.

"What did you tell her, Sirius?" Lily asked. He winked.

"Nothing much. Only that her dress was nice." The brunette was glaring at Sirius from behind his back, and pointing him out to her friends. Sirius chuckled. "But that it would be nicer on my bedroom floor. I think she liked me."

"Uh, Padfoot," Remus said, noticing the growing noise and crowd, "I don't think this is a good time to brag."

"Hmmm?" Sirius asked, oblivious. Lily turned to Remus.

"I'm outta here. Meet you back at your house?"

"Righto," Remus said, and they apparated away, leaving Sirius to his own devices.

* * * * * * * * * * 

_"Here's lookin' at you, kid." _

Penny and Lucy were in tears, and James was doing his best to make sense of the plot. Just then, a bright flash of light brightened the room, and in tumbled Remus and Lily.

"Geez," Penny said through her tears, "you're all back early. Where's Sirius?' Lily looked at Remus, who looked concerned for Penny's tears.

"Eh... Sirius has gotten himself into a bit of a spat," Remus said, covering up for him. He gave Penny a hug, and joined her down on the floor.

Lucy's eyes widened. "Oh, I hope he's okay!"

"Well, aside from being slapped around a little, he should be fine," Lily said. Lucy gave her a dirty look. Lily, in order to avoid a conflict and looked at the screen.

"Oh, Casablanca!" Penelope was looking suspiciously at Remus now.

"Do you have my aspirin?" Remus flushed, embarrassed.

"Er... what aspirin?"

"Er, James, hon, I think we should be **heading back**." James discreetly motioned to Lucy, whose eyes were narrowed at Lily, and Remus, who was anxiously awaiting Sirius' tumble from the fireplace.

"Yeah, that MAY be a good idea, DEAR." Lily took James' hand and they both apparated out of Sirius' house, before the storm broke. They landed on the living room couch, laughing with excitement.  Lily immediately ran into their room from the couch and collapsed on their bed. James followed her, bewildered, and upon opening the door joined Lily.

"Men!" Lily exclaimed, staring up at the ceiling. James looked at her bemusedly, in her current state of masculinity.

"What did we do now?" 

Lily chuckled. "Remus got himself tipsy and forgot Penny's aspirin, and Sirius nearly caused a riot by hitting on some poor brunette."

"It sounds like a normal day to me," James said. Lily shifted over to her side, and raised her eyebrows.

"How do you do it?" James laid down next to her, and put his arms around her waist. Lily drew him closer. It was such an obvious turnaround of the normal events that Lily burst out laughing.

"What's so funny?" James asked, confused.

"This," Lily said. "You're supposed to be holding me, not the other way around."

"You ARE me," James responded, yawning. "I guess it comes from knowing them since I was 11. You can pick up all of Sirius' odd little traits and Remus' depressions after that long. You had it easy today." Lily drew him closer.

"Oh? Do tell."

"Well, first Pen and Lucy wanted to make me over." 

Lily laughed.  "I _do_ have nice features. Why didn't you let them do it?" 

James shuddered.  "Because the thought of wearing all that... stuff on my face is a bit intimidating. The eyelash curly things look like torture devices." Lily laughed again.

"Is that it? Go on. There's more."

"And then they watched Casablanca."

"There's nothing wrong with that. I love Casablanca!"

"I couldn't make heads or tails out of it. That, and Lucy bawling didn't help the plot any." 

Lily made a face. "She nearly spit acid at me today when Remus and I apparated in."

"I wouldn't be surprised if she could," James muttered. Lily nuzzled her head into James hair.

"You smell good."

"I should hope so. With all of the perfumed soap and the weird shampoos you use," James said. Lily kissed the back of his neck.

"They're not weird. **Gee, You're Hair Smells Terrific** _(AN: yes, this really was a shampoo sold back in the day. I don't know if it really smelled terrific, because I was born in '83, and if my mom used it on me, I don't remember)_ is a perfectly normal shampoo." 

James yawned again.  "If you say so, Lil. I'll be glad when this week is over." He rolled over, and closed his eyes. Lily put her hand on his waist, and kissed him again, making him open his eyes. He blinked.

"Wide awake still?" Lily grinned at him, and winked. James nodded knowingly. "I know that look. I give it all the time." He turned his face upward, and kissed Lily softly on the lips. Lily frowned.

"Damn it," she said, squinting. James opened his eyes, and pulled away from her.

"What?" he asked, affronted.

"The lights are still on!" 

James sighed.  "So turn them off, Lil."

"Where's my wand?" 

James sighed. "Lily, just sit up and turn the damn things off!" 

Lily sat up, then promptly laid back down again, sighing.  "That just completely killed the mood, you know that?"

"Yeah." James shook his head. "This is weird."

"Eh.  Oh well. 'Night, James." Lily was out like a light (no pun intended). James stared up at the ceiling fan with its light still shining.

"Lily?" Her snores were a good indication of her current state. James sighed again, and got up to turn the lights off.


	4. The Truth About Cats and Dogs

Day 2 of treatment:

James awoke to the worst pain he had ever imagined. Worse than the thoughts of torture and Casablanca combined. He sat up, and put a hand on his abdomen. It was as if there was something drilling a hole in his pancreas. He groaned, and this woke Lily up.

"Wha...?" she yawned. James felt as if he was dying very slowly and painfully. 

"I think I'm dying, very slowly and painfully," he said. Lily sleepily quirked her eyebrows.

"What's wrong?" Yawn.

"It's like a stomachache, but worse, and lower down. Kind of a dull ache--"

"Cramps," she interrupted, muttering into the pillows. James frowned.

"What about them?" Lily laughed sleepily, her eyes still closed.

"You have them. Congratulations. You're officially a real woman now, James. Now go back to sleep." 

James stuck out his lower lip.  "I can't." 

Lily muttered something about Tylenol, then rolled over and went back to sleep.

_What the hell_, James decided. _I'm not sleeping anyway_. He stole away to the bathroom, closed the door, then felt around for the light. He opened the medicine cabinet. And he had the shock of his life.

There was no aspirin. There was no Tylenol. There was nothing. Slowly, he sunk to his knees on the shag carpet in front of the sink, and rested his forehead against the cool porcelain of the counter.

_How am I ever going to get through this?_ He thought in desperation.

* * * * * * * * * * 

Lily awoke peacefully with the sun half and hour later and calmly stretched out her arms and legs. But there was no James.

"James?"  She asked, puzzled.  A low groan issued from the bathroom. She got up, put on his glasses, and strode over to see what was the matter. "Oh my God!"  She exclaimed.

"I'm dying, I tell you." He was still resting with his head against the counter. "My will is in the middle drawer of the desk in the study, you'll find I've provided well..."

Lily stared at him blankly.

"Why are you in here, hunched under the sink?" James opened his eyes, and glared at her out of his peripheral vision.

"I... have... cramps. They hurt like hell. I am in... ow!" He winced in pain, and Lily went over to him and put her arm around his shoulders.

"Let's get you some Tylenol." 

James shook his head. "There is none. I checked." 

Lily frowned. "Funny, I bought a full box last month. Are you sure?" 

James nodded. "Yes. There was nothing in the bathroom medicine cabinet." 

"That would be your first problem, then." She slowly stood him up, and, step-by-step, they descended the stairs and went into the kitchen.

"What do you mean? First problem?" he asked.

"They're not in the bathroom." 

This made no sense to poor James, who vacantly stared at her with Lily's green eyes.

"Why wouldn't they be in the bathroom in the MEDICINE cabinet?" 

Lily looked at him pointedly.  "Because I put them in the kitchen cupboard."

"That's insane."

"I thought you knew!"

"You never told me!" James' face was beginning to flush red.

"Yes, I did," Lily said calmly. I told you in bed last Monday, and you nodded!" James broke into a grin.

"Ahhhhhh. That explains a lot."

"Say what?"

"Take this morning, when I told you I had cramps. You nodded, and went back to sleep."

"You did?" Lily stared at him incredulously.

"Yes. Dammit, I forgot that I talk in my sleep-ah!" Another cramp seized him. Lily reached into the cupboard, and unearthed a box of Tylenol, and some aspirin. 

"Pick your poison," she said.

James made a mad grab for the extra-strength Tylenol, ripped 2 pills from their foil wrapping, and popped them into his mouth.

"You are a lifesaver," he said, graciously, after drinking the glass of water Lily had insisted on giving him.

"I try my best," Lily said, looking out the window. "Any plans for today?"

"Run into the Ministry, head back to Sirius', and help him with his bike. Maybe play a little Quidditch."

"Hmmph." 

James looked up at her.  "What?"

"Do you ever go to work?" 

James shrugged.  "Sometimes. Only when they need me, and besides, I have the week off. I plan ahead." He nodded smugly. "What are your plans?"

"Grocery shopping, and I said that I'd meet Penelope in Ravenclaw Dell to look for wedding gowns later. No Lucy."

"Joy." James looked into the water for a bit, and stared back at his own reflection. Not his own, rather, than his wife's. A sudden thought struck him. "Lil." 

"Hmm? What?" Lily was busy awaiting the speck of an owl that was rapidly approaching the window.

"Do you think this is actually working? This therapy and all?" Lily looked out the window as she thought.

"Well, it's kept us from actually fighting, hasn't it?" 

James was silent. "It has, hasn't it?" The owl alighted on the windowsill, and Lily opened the window. It was a snowy white owl, with huge brown eyes. Tied to it's leg was a gold accented parchment, bearing the stamp of Dr. Renee Jigger.

"Ugh. You take it." Lily handed the letter to James, who ripped open the parchment.

"_To my most valued customers_," James read. Lily snorted.

"_This is just a friendly reminder of your next appointment, tomorrow at 12:30 PM, to check up on your therapy. Have a nice day!_

_The Offices of Dr. Renee Jigger,_

_Family therapist and marriage counselor._"

James shook his head, and Lily went back upstairs to get ready for the upcoming day.

* * * * * * * * * * 

The grocery shopping was the easy part, it turned out, as James walked through the aisles of the local Muggle supermarket tightly clutching Lily's shopping list. Well, easy except for reading the list itself, which Lily had hurriedly scribbled on her way out the door to meet Sirius.

_Bread _was self explanatory, as was _milk_. And the _dozen eggs_. He just had to wonder at the _beers_, though. Lily never drank beer, no matter how many times Sirius had tried to tempt her. 

"Um, excuse me," James said, stopping an elderly woman slowly pushing a shopping cart full of cat food down the frozen foods aisle.  "What does this say?"  He asked, pushing the list into the woman's hands and pointing at _beer._  

The woman squinted at the list for a few seconds, and handed it back to him with a disgusted look on her face.  "It says beets.  Now go away, young lady, and stop tormenting the elderly!"  She turned on her heel and began to push her cart in the opposite direction.

"But--" James exclaimed.  "I didn't mean--"

"I have pepper spray!"  The lady yelled behind her.  The entire frozen foods aisle was staring at James incredulously.  He sighed, and began to go in search of the next item on the list.  He wasn't too thrilled about the _economy sized package of maxi pads_ that attracted the attention of everyone in the aisle, who felt instantly compelled to stare at him as he walked by.  Then he had to wonder why Lily needed Petroleum Jelly.  James had a headache, he felt bloated, and he most certainly didn't want to be in the middle of a grocery store with a badly written shopping list and enough feminine hygiene products to last through a nuclear holocaust. Luckily, there were only a few more items to buy.

_Pasta for Sirius and Lucy dinner party_

James groaned. Hopefully, he'd be back to being James again and he'd be able to escape with Sirius out to the shed and hide from the womenfolk.

_Whipped cream_ was in dairy, which he had already gone into to get the milk. _Why couldn't she have listed these things according to food group?_ He thought irately.

_Confetti_ was just odd. He had no idea why she wanted that. Maybe for the dinner party.

_Cucumbers_?

And, finally, was the old stand-by: _batteries_.  He had put those on the list.  Hopefully, they hadn't been sitting on the shelf for 5 years.

The wait in the line wasn't too bad, though his assortment of items was gaining him quite a few embarrassed stares and chuckles. The teenage boy behind the register's eyes bugged out when he saw the cart, and his furious blush made the blooming pimples on his cheeks stand out. He glanced at James through his taped-up eyeglasses.

"Maxi Pads... bread, milk, cucumbers, whipped cream, beer, batteries..."

"Are those batteries new? I need to use them tonight," James asked, reaching into Lily's purse. The cashier giggled, and nervously twisted his nametag, which bore the name Shredder.

"The Petroleum Jelly isn't scanning…" Shredder muttered, rolling his eyes as he reached for the microphone near the cash register and tapped it a few times.  "Register 4 needs a price check on Petroleum Jelly.  I repeat, price check on Petroleum Jelly for Register 4…" he put the microphone back, and looked p at James.  

"Wild party?" he asked, bagging rest the groceries up. "Paper or plastic?"

"Only by myself," James answered absentmindedly. "Double bagged plastic." The cashier turned even redder and giggled some more as he handed him his groceries and gave him a wide grin, accentuated by shiny metal braces.  A manager came over, and typed a few things into the cash register while Shredder stood off to the side.  The line behind James was beginning to get very long, and consequently very ugly, and loud grumbling was issuing from behind.

"Did you keep the rest of the receipt?"  The manager asked.  Shredder nodded.

"Yeah, its right there.  The one with the Cucumbers and batteries."  The manager blinked and raised his eyebrows, but said nothing.  Finally, the receipt printed out, and the manager handed it to James.

"That'll be $30.58, please," he said, avoiding James' eyes.  James took out Lily's changepurse and fished out the money, handing it to him.  He then hoisted up the bags, and made his way out the supermarket.

"Have fun and thanks for shopping at Zappy Fast Groceries!" Shredder called out to him as the double automatic doors slid closed.  

* * * * * * * * * * 

An hour later…

Penelope was found nervously stirring a cup of coffee under one of cafe umbrellas in one of the restaurants, which was part of the random collection of shops and restaurants in the center of Ravenclaw Dell. James walked up to her and smiled, dropping his purse on the table and sitting down. 

"Hey," he asked. "How are you?"

"Oh, fine," Penelope muttered to her coffee. "Wonderful, in fact. I daresay this is the worst day I've had in a while."

James frowned, and looked around for a waiter. "What's up?"

"Remus and I had an argument, that Lizzy Bristol woman is wreaking havoc at work, and I have a migraine to beat all migraines."

"Oh." The waiter, sensing that James needed him, ran off in the other direction to chat with a line of waiters and waitresses who were milling around the hostess' stand gossiping about the customers. He looked over at Penelope, who was a bit red in the face, and whose hands were shaking. "Jesus, was it that bad?"

"I suppose." Short and to the point. James vaguely remembered Lily saying something about Penelope when she was in a bad mood. Like "reluctance to speak" or something like that.

"About what?"

Penelope fixed her bright blue stare on him, and he could see that she had been crying earlier. "About his stupid werewolf thing. He's so fixated on it, that he can't concentrate on anything else. And he lets it rule his thoughts and life. I mean--" her voice was rising, and she noticed this, and quieted down somewhat. "I mean, last night was the night after the full moon, and that was all he kept fixating on. We were being-- oh, dear."

"Being what?" James prodded. _Lily probably knows all about this already_, he thought.

"Well..." Penelope began. "It's not very polite to talk about."

"No, do go on."

"Well, we were being, you know, _intimate_."

James blushed. "Ah. Right. Go on."

"Well, the night of the full moon, he accidentally bit me. Of course, it can't do anything to me because of my blood (AN: see "Angel in the Snow"), but all he kept focusing on was the night before. Of course I'm okay. But he was so scared to do anything."

James laughed, gaining a strange look from Penelope. "Remus scared? In b-- er, that type situation?"

Penny was eyeing him oddly. "It's entirely possible. What's with you?"

"I had a horrid time at the grocery store an hour ago.  But anyway… Remus has done that? I never thought. Huh." He grinned.

"It was the, er, first time." Penny grinned back nervously.

"Oh dear," James began. "I don't know whether to be happy or to scold you."

"Lily!"

James checked his watch. "Oh, geez. I think we had better get going. The waiters are getting antsy for their tip."

"Right." Penelope stood up, smoothed out her skirt, and collected her belongings together. James grinned at her, and lightly touched her arm.

"Tell me one thing, though."

"What?"

"Was it any good?" Penelope laughed.

* * * * * * * * * * 

"Remus, the wrench."

"Huh?" Sirius looked at him strangely as Lily walked around Sirius' garage aimlessly. Sirius had dismissed her after asking for the same tool six times and having Lily not knowing what she was doing. Instead, he had recruited Remus, who seemed strangely distracted and nervous.

"Remus, what's with you today? You're a wreck," Sirius remarked, looking at his friend with concern in his eyes.

Remus snapped his head up, and looked at Sirius, startled. "I am not. I just have a lot on my mind."

"Hmmph." Sirius turned to Lily, who was busy staring at a stack of biker magazines with scantily clad witches on them, who kept winking at her. "James, could you get me a beer?"

"Yeah, and me too," Remus called out. Sirius gave Remus an odd look.

"Remus, you don't drink."

"Well, there's a first time for everything."  Remus' grey eyes were cast down, and he avoided looking Sirius in the face.

Lily looked into the refrigerator and wrinkled her nose. There were 6 12-packs of beer inside, with the occasional package of Twinkies and a few stray cans of Tab Cola. No wonder Penelope refused to set foot down here, what with the girlie magazines and the food. She gingerly picked up a 12-pack, and tossed a can to Remus, who opened it and immediately took a big swig of beer.

"Damn, Remus," Sirius remarked, laying down his tools and taking a can from Lily. "If I didn't know any better, I'd say you got laid or something."

"Sirius!" Lily exclaimed.

Remus spit out his mouthful of beer. "Say-- say what?"

A slow smile was spreading on Sirius' face. "In fact… let's say I don't know any better. There's something old Remus here isn't telling us."

"I... uh..." Remus hung his head, blushing. Sirius let out a whoop of excitement.

"Jamsie, you owe me 20 Galleons!"

Lily was taken aback. "I do?"

Remus, however, seemed shocked as he lifted his head and stared at Sirius in utter disbelief. "You all were betting on my sex life?"

"Well, yeah." Sirius shrugged. "And don't forget, you owe Lucy 10. She bet, too."

Lily suppressed a grin. James had never told her this. Remus took another long draft of beer, and settled back with that slightly horrified look still on his face. Lily decided to have some fun.

"So how was it?" she asked.

"I-- don't really have much to compare to," Remus admitted, frankly.

"Well, did you enjoy yourself?"  Sirius asked.

"Who wouldn't?"

"Good point.  I remember my first time with Lucy. Like a minx, I tell you."

"Sirius!"

"She was! I swear... that hair… those eyes..."

"Yeah, I'm sure that was it," Remus said sarcastically.  "The hair,"

"The rest is just an added bonus." Sirius turned to James. "So how is Lily?"

Lily's eyes widened, and she blushed. "She's... fine."

"You know what I mean, Jamsie."

"No, I don't." _Actually_, she thought, _I do, but Sirius doesn't have to know that_. Sirius slapped his forehead.

"Is everyone weirded out today? Remus gets some and the world stops."

"Hey now!" Remus exclaimed, throwing a stray girlie magazine at Sirius.

Lily shook her head. _Men_.

* * * * * * * * * * 

The woman at the bridal shop ("Witchy Wendy's Wholesale Wedding Wear") looked like a cross between Olivia Newton-John and Michael Jackson, and was wearing a set of wedding robes is an electric hot pink, studded with rhinestones. She was chewing gum noisily when Penelope and James walked in, and she smiled falsely, her gum smacking along in an unstopped rhythm.

"Can I help ya, dearies?"

"Yeah," Penny began absentmindedly. "I need to order some robes for a wedding."

"Are you the bride or an attendant, honey?"

"The bride."

"Right-o. Lemme grab my wand and I'll be right back." The clerk walked into a stockroom that had been hidden by a series of glamers that made it appear to hold some very expensive looking antique dresses.

James turned to Penny. "Are you sure this is the right store to be looking in? Madame Malkin's is a lot more reliable."

"I hear from Lucy that this has a wider selection." 

"Oh." James looked around. In the far corner was a teenage witch trying on a spandex set of robes with a lacy cape and bright blue sleeves. A very obese woman was looking at casualwear, and, just coming from a dressing room, was Lucy Graham herself. She smiled, flipping back her shoulder-length, dark hair and walked over to them.

"Hey guys! I didn't expect to see you here!" James groaned inwardly, and Penelope smiled.

"I thought you were at work! What brings you to this end of town?"

"Oh, I work over near here, not more than 10 miles away." She held up a pink and purple flowered monstrosity with puffed sleeves and a long, crepe-y skirt. "I was just picking up a dress for your wedding, as a matter of fact. Do you like it?"

Penelope turned to James, whose eyes were bugging out at the brightly colored piece of cloth. "Oh, yes. Very much so. Lily?"

"I'm sure... It will look lovely."

Lucy grinned, showing even white teeth. "Thanks! Well, I have to get going. Just call me when you want another night with the girls and we'll set something up! I have to be getting back to work." She walked over to the register, and pulled out her wallet.

James turned to Penny. "Lucy has a job?"  he whispered.

"Yeah, but she won't tell any of us what it is. You know, she could be so pretty if only she tried to look a little more... what's the word..."

"Normal?'' James offered.

"Yeah, that's it. I mean, look at her. She's gorgeous." 

_Well… If I wasn't currently a woman and married... _James thought_. Oh my God, I never thought I'd ever say that. About Lucy, no less. _He glanced momentarily at Lucille Graham, who was taking out her Gringott's Platinum Card and handing it to another woman behind the counter, who was trying to read her name.

"Lucille Seeta Jaymita Graham? What kind of name is Seeta Jaymita?"

"See-tah Ja-meet-a," Lucy said, calmly. "It's Indian."

"Oh," the woman said, as she processed her credit card. Lucy stood very petite, smaller than both Lily and especially Penelope, but she stood out more than both of them. Her hair was a very shiny black-brown, and her skin was a dusky tan color. But the most startling part was her glittering golden-hazel eyes. Although she was built well, she had a knack for dressing... oddly. At the moment, she stood in front of the Saleswoman wearing shiny black boots, a black miniskirt, a bright blue plaid cummerbund and matching bow tie, and a tuxedo shirt with the sleeves ripped off.  Plus Sirius' leather jacket.  Very... original.

"Er, I don't think this is quite my style," Penny was saying to the Olivia Newton-John Saleswoman, who had come out of the stockroom when James wasn't paying attention. "Maybe... I'll check in at a later date."

"Suit yourself, dearie," she said, slightly peevishly. Penny shot James a glance, and beckoned him over. 

"Madame Malkin's in 15 minutes," she said, is a harsh whisper.

"You got it," James whispered back, and he apparated away.

* * * * * * * * * * 

"You know something?" Lily said, taking a sip of her 3rd beer.

"No, but I know someone," Remus answered back, laughing at his own joke. Lily burst out laughing at it, too, and they sat there for a few minutes while the humor wore off.

"What?" Sirius asked sleepily from his seat on his bike.

"Men--" Lily held up the can "--are pigs!"

"Hear, hear!" Remus and Sirius shouted, also raising up their cans and pronouncing a toast to James' infinite wisdom.

"Which makes me glad that I'm not one!" Lily shouted, laughing along with the other.

Sirius blinked in a drunken stupor. "You're not a man, James?"

"Nope! For all you all (hic) know, I could be a woman in a man's body! (hic)"

"That's just... scary," Remus remarked. "I'm moving (hic) away now."

"James, I think you've had a dittle loo much to (hic) think," Sirius said, as he plucked the drink out of Lily's hand. The room was silent for a while, except for the sound of the occasional hiccup and the hum of the heater.

"Is anybody else bored?" Sirius asked after about 15 minutes of silence. Remus had halfway dozed off and Lily was staring at the patterns the lights made on the ceiling.

"Yeah," Remus said, opening his eyes.  "But there's nothing to do."

"We could go to the Mall," Sirius suggested.  Remus snorted.

"Gods no, I'm never setting foot in there.  I want to do something exciting."

"Hmm…" Sirius thought to himself for a moment.  "I don't know what.  Nothing's open."  At that moment, Lily was struck by a brilliant  idea.

"Let's play Quidditch!" Lily suggested.

* * * * * * * * * * 

"32, 26, 34," Madame Malkin said to herself as she took the magical measuring tapes off of Penelope and began fitting them to James. "A bit on the thin side, I see. And let's see what you say." She peered through her spectacles at the measuring tape around James' bust and squinted. "Does that say 34 or 36, dearie?"

"34 I think," James said, slightly uncomfortable at being prodded by Madame Malkin. The old lady nodded, and snapped up the tape. 

"Any colors you have in mind? White, ivory, cream? I daresay cream would do you best, with your coloring."

"Cream is fine," Penelope said, as Madame Malkin popped into the back room and as she looked around the interior of Madame Malkin's Robes for All Occasions, fine robe retailers since 1555. "Go pick out a set of robes you like, Lil. We'll make 'em the bridesmaid's robes."

"Who are your bridesmaids?"

Penelope frowned. "Well, there's you and Lucy.  Damn!  I forgot to tell her before she bought those other robes!"

"Lucy?!" James nearly yelled. Madame Malkin poked her head out of the backroom, brows wrinkled.

"Is everything all right?"

"Oh, yes," James called. "Lovely!"

"Smashing," Madame Malkin said, disappearing into the stockroom again. "Just call if you need me."

"Lily, you haven't been acting like yourself lately!"  Penny exclaimed.

"Well, it's that time of the month again."

"But I don't think that would cause you to act--Oh, look, there are the robes now!"

"Actually, no," Madame Malkin explained, as she dumped the stacks of material onto a nearby stool, holding onto a bolt of luminous cream colored satin which she held up to Penny. James hurried towards the racks of ready-made robes, and closed his eyes, blindly picking out the first thing his hands met. 

_I'm a man, we don't go dress shopping_, he repeated to himself over and over as his hands caught something and he pulled it out.  It was a robe of steely grey fabric that felt like tweed, which he put back. He decided for another shot. Plunging his hand into the rack, he pulled out something that felt silky and cool. He pulled it out, and in his hands was an apple green silk set of robes.  He smiled.

"Huh."

"What?" Penelope called out to him as she tried to keep still for Madame Malkin, who was magically altering the luminous cream satin around her.

"I found something."

"Good for you. Let's out with it." James stepped out from behind the rack, and held out the green robes. Penny grinned, then frowned. "They're really pretty, but I'm afraid not."

"Why not?" Madame Malkin muttered through a mouthful of pins.

"Well, what do you think? Hold them up, Lil."

James held the robes against his body, and Madame Malkin squinted at him.

"Well, I don't see why not. They're green. Green looks wonderful on redheads. What does your other bridesmaid look like?"

"That's the problem.  She's Indian."

"She is?" James asked.

"Of course, Lil, I thought you knew!" Penny responded. "How else would she have gotten the name Seeta Jaymita?"

"The same way Snape got the name Severus. I dunno."

Penny grinned at him. "Go find your dress."

Madame Malking was deep in thought.  "You're right," she said, after a bit. "Apple green just wouldn't work. But try them on anyway.  We can always change the color later." 

James shrugged.  _No harm in trying_.  They were a very lightweight material, not quite silk but very much like it, with intricate beadwork on the sleeves and collar.  The silver beading flashed in the light of the dressing room as he turned around to get a glimpse of his back.

They fit surprisingly well, and he came out and modeled them to the other women, who whistled catcalls.

"James will certainly get a kick out of those," Penelope laughed, as Madame Malkin. "Take a look at yourself."

"Wait, you said that your other bridesmaid was Indian?" Madame Malkin asked suddenly.

"Yes..." James said.

"Let me try something. I once knew an Indian woman, and she looked lovely like… this." Madame Malkin waved her wand around, and the robes turned from an apple green to a pale, pastel peach.

"Perfect!" Penelope gasped. "Get them! Get them now!"

"Are you sure...?" James asked slowly.

"Yes!" Penelope stepped back, and surveyed herself and James in the mirrored wall. "It's lovely. Really."

"Wow, Pen." Madame Malkin wasn't quite finished, but what she had done already was breathtaking. The satin had been arranged to drape across her shoulders, and to fall gracefully to the floor, with a series of buttons running down her back, and a few alterations that made the dress fitted around Penelope's curves. _Maybe this shopping thing wasn't too boring, after all._

"Isn't it great? Remind me never to shop with Lucy ever again,"  Penelope said dryly.  James laughed.

* * * * * * * * * * 

"I'm sorry, guys, but I have to take you in."

"What?" Lily yelled, her mind numb with the 4 beers she had ended up drinking, the blaring of the Muggle officer's voice, and the fall from her broomstick. Sirius walked up beside her, and put a hand on her shoulder.

"Officer, I swear that we were just having fun.  We really weren't trying to cause any harm!"

"Oh, yeah," the cop began. "Just drinking all night and coming out onto private property with broomsticks for God knows what. Is that what you call harmless fun?"

"Well, yeah," Remus said, from behind them.

The Officer raised his eyes heavenward.  "Right. Why did I have to get the crackpot shift tonight?" He said to himself as he shook his head at the three and motioned to the squad car. "In, the lot of you."

"But officer!" Lily protested.

"IN," he repeated forcefully, holding the door open. "I always get the drunk nuts on Saturday night."

"I'm not drunk," Remus said.

"Well I am. But I'm not nuts!" Sirius exclaimed indignantly. "I'd appreciate it if you would differentiate..." The officer, who was paying no attention to Sirius' complaints, had climbed into the police car and taken out his radio.

"Yeah, Saul?" He was saying. "We've apprehended a group of drunks right outside of Godric's Hollow... what do you want me to do? Take them in? Well, I don't think... yeah, Saul. If you say so. No, Saul, pick up your own doughnuts. Right-o. 10-4."

"... and I'm an upstanding member of this community, I tell you," Sirius continued. "I'm always providing fun around the neighborhood, and making children smile all day."

"Sirius..." Remus warned, getting into the squad car.

"Well, it's true!" Sirius exclaimed indignantly. The officer rolled his eyes.

"You're sitting up here, with me," he said to Sirius.

Lily leaned her head against the back of the squad car's seats and closed her eyes as the car pulled off. It was a hard day's night already.

* * * * * * * * * * 

"Penny, I can't carry all of these!"

"Oh, nonsense, Lil. Here, let me have them." James dumped three of the larger bags into Penelope's arms, and, having lightened his load, panted a little for breath as he collapsed on Penelope's couch and turned on the TV.  For some reason, Remus had an obsession for cooking shows lately, and a pretty witch was gesturing with her wand over to a bowl of shelled walnuts.  He quickly changed the channel as Penelope turned on the living room lights.

"New, from Muggles, Inc., a game for the Muggle in all of us!  Live out your life in the harsh reality without magic.  Can you survive?  Muggles and Magicless, the fantasy role-playing game for the future!  Buy it now, from any of these fine retailers…"

"That'll never catch on," Penny said from behind the couch, where she was waiting patiently with the bags.

"I don't know," James said.  "I would have liked it in my younger days."  _Oops._

Penelope raised her eyebrows, but said nothing as she swept upstairs with the bags.  James followed after her, and watched as she threw the bags onto her bed, which was unmade and disheveled.  Penelope blushed as she picked a pillow up off of the floor and threw it onto the bed.

"Sorry about this.  I haven't found the time or the desire to make the bed yet."

"No, it's okay," James said.  "I understand completely."

"Good," Penelope remarked.  "At least somebody does.  I feel so…" Penelope hung her head, and her strawberry blonde waves fell in front of her face.  James awkwardly put a hand on her shoulder.

"What?" he asked softly.  "Tired?  Overwhelmed?"

"Stressed out," Penelope said, shaking back her hair and smiling slightly.  "I love my job, don't get me wrong here, but Mad-Eye Moody can be something else completely.  And I love Remus, but living with him and Sirius is like raising two rambunctious children."

"I know the feeling.  It's not any easier being married to one of the Marauders," James said knowingly.  He paused, trying to think of something else to say.  "And that's just with James," he continued.  "God only imagine what it's like to live with Sirius."

Penelope laughed, and threw herself onto the bed, finally settling on her back and looking up at the ceiling.  James sat down next to her, moving one of the pillows littering the bed.  It was white and had a moving pattern, of flying red birds.

"What's it like?"  Penelope asked, closing her eyes.  "Being married and all, I mean."

"Well…" James thought for a moment, as he bent down to smooth a wrinkle in Lily's robes out.  "You're closer, when you're married.  You learn a lot more about the person you're with.  I remember Hogwarts, when I thought James and I were so close.  That was only scratching the surface.  And you get to know a lot about yourself, too."  _How true_, he added as an afterthought.

"But it's nice, right?"  Penelope asked.  James nodded.  

 "I wouldn't give it up for the world," he added softly.  The room was silent for a few seconds, and then the phone rang from downstairs.  Penelope opened her eyes, and wrinkled her brows.

"Who on Earth would be calling _here_ at this hour?"  She wondered aloud as she sat up and flashed an apologetic look at James.  "Sorry, Lil.  I'll be right back."  She hopped off of the bed, and down the stairs.  The ringing stopped, and the murmur of Penelope's voice floated up the stairs.

_Come to think of it_, James thought, _I've never been to this part of the house before_.  He had always restricted himself to the man-only area of the basement and the living room and kitchen, but this was the first view he had ever gotten of Remus' room ever since Hogwarts.  The red bird pattern was very prevalent throughout the room, as was another theme of grey wolves.  There was a moving picture of Remus and Penelope next to the bed, taken at James' own wedding.   And then there were plants.  Lots of plants, crowding the window—

"You did WHAT?!"  James was startled out of his thoughts by the sound of Penelope's furious voice screaming at the phone in the kitchen.  He jumped off the bed and ran downstairs, greeted by the sight of Penelope, white-faced and wide-eyed, listening to someone on the telephone.  Penelope shook her head, and took a deep breath.

"Remus, I'm sorry.  I just didn't expect to hear _that_ at 11 at night, that's it.  Now run it by me.  How did it happen?"

James looked at her quizzically, head cocked to the side, and she shushed him, gesturing to the telephone.  "Mmm Hmm," she would say every so often.  Finally, she sighed.  "Remus, I'm disappointed at you.  You want me to put Lily on?  Okay."  She wordlessly handed the telephone to James, and went to one of the kitchen cabinets, taking out a package of Every-Flavor Beans.  James put the receiver to his ear.

"Hello?"  he asked.  

"Lily?"  Remus asked from the other end.

"Umm… yeah," James said.  "What's wrong?"

"Talk to James.  Here."  The sound of the phone being passed came from their end, and then Lily answered.  James looked around, checking to see that Penelope was still in the kitchen, and whispered into the receiver.

"Lil?"

"James!"  Lily whispered back.  "We're in trouble!"

James' brows wrinkled together.  "How?  What did you all do?"

"We had a little too much to drink," Lily whispered furiously, "And we decided to play Quidditch in an abandoned lot nearby."

James sighed.  "Great Wizards, Lil.  You really stepped in it this time.  What do we have to do?"

"You have on more minute, Mr. Potter," an officer said from the other side.  Lily paused for a few seconds to catch her breath.

"You need to come and bail us out ASAP.  They set bail relatively low this time, 350 Pounds."

"350 Pounds?  That's about… that's 225 Galleons! "  James yelled out, causing Penelope to poke her head out of the kitchen.

"225 Galleons for what?"  She asked through a mouthful of Every-Flavor Beans.

James put his hand over the mouthpiece of the phone.  "About 225 Galleons for their bail."

Penelope coughed on a bean and her face turned a vivid shade of scarlet.  "225 Galleons!  My wedding dress doesn't cost 225 Galleons!  Give me the phone."  James wordlessly handed the phone to her, and Penelope, in a very calm voice, asked for Remus.

"What?"  She said, after a few seconds.  "Time's out, is it?  Give me the guard, sweetie."  She had a smug smile on her lips and a strange gleam in her aquamarine eyes.  "Hello?  Officer?  Yes, I'm aware that the phone call time is up.  But, to be quite honest with you I don't give a _damn_ at the moment, because MY BLOODY FIANCEE AND HIS FRIENDS DESERVE TO HEAR ALL OF THIS, AND I'LL TELL YOU WHERE TO PUT YOUR BLOODY PHONE TIME LIMIT!  UP YOUR BIG, MUGGLE AR--Oh.  Thank you!  Remus, we'll be over in a few minutes."  She hung up the phone, and turned to James, a wide smile on her face.  "Well, that's settled then.  Off we go."  James stared after her, wordlessly, then picked up Lily's purse and followed her out.


	5. Not quite up yet due to revision, so don...

Trouble in Paradise

  


Verbum

  


Author's Note: Once again, I own nothing except the plot, Dr. Jigger, and Remus and Sirius' respective women folk. And, again, if I refer to James, I mean James, except that he looks like Lily because of that whole polyjuice fiasco. A person who is talking to James REALLY is talking to James, but that person thinks they're talking to Lily. I hope that makes sense, but it prpobably doesn't. Oh well. Enjoy!

  


  


  


  


  


Hogsmeade, Day 2 of treatment

  


  


The old man was back outside, under the cafe umbrella, and he grinned a near toothless smile at Lily and James as they walked past.

  


"So," he said, halting their procession upstairs, "ever'thing goin' fine now? I tol' ya she'd fix yer problem in a jiffy!" He winked slyly at James, who blushed. Lily's eyes widened, and she began to make her way upstairs when the old man spoke again. "In fact, here's my wife! Honey, tell 'ese bairns about what Dr. Jigger did fer us."

  


An old woman that was even more toothless and wizened than her husband hobbled over to James and Lily and smiled. "After seein' Dr. Jigger, we're 5 night a weekers!" James coughed, and Lily redoubled her efforts to get up the stairs.

  


"Uh, thank you very much," she called, as she grabbed James' hand and they climbed the steps to her office. The great wooden double doors stood lik sentries, and, once again, the couple was transfixed.

  


"God damn it, what have I told you about dragging that thing along my carpets?! Get out! OUT!" Dr. Jigger's shrill New York accent reverberated through the empty hallway, and, a moment later, a disgruntled repairman slumped out, reached into his pocket, and lit a cigarette. He turned to James and Lily, who were still staring at the door in shock.

  


"She's a feisty one, she is. I think it's that new hair color o' hers. Bly me if I ever touch that magic carpet o' hers again." And he Apparated away. James shrugged and walked into the room, followed closely by Lily.

  


There was no sign of her.

  


"Lil..." James began, "I think there's a problem here."

  


"No problem at all," Lily responded, cheerfully. "If she's not here, I don't have to put up with her, and you save yourself a good 20 Galleons."

  


James thought for a moment or two. "Well, when you put it like that..."

  


"Hello, hello! It's so nice to see you both again!" Dr. Jigger's misty, accentless voice floated up from the fireplace, and she popped into the room in a cloud of dust and soot, which caught Lily in the face. James snickered girlishly.

  


"Uh, yeah," James began, "we're here for our follow-up appointment?" 

  


Dr. Jigger clapped her soot-covered hands together. "Of course! Won't you sit down?" She motioned to the now black chairs and carpet, and Lily wrinkled her nose.

  


"I'll pass," she said, shortly. Jigger opened her mouth to say something, but snapped it shut, as if changing her mind. She half-smiled and turned to Lily.

  


"Laura and John Poterski, right? You were the couple with the... uh (she conjured a file and leafed through it)... impotence problem, yes?"

  


Lily chuckled, and James half choked. "Not quite," he said, after he regained his normal speaking functions. "LILY and JAMES POTTER. We were the newlyweds whom you gave your, uh, 'Patented Switching Potion' to."

  


"Ah, yes, yes. It all comes back clearly to me now." She put her hands together, and gave Lily what was supposed to be a mystifying look.

  


"I'm sure it does," Lily remarked to James. Dr. Jigger opened her mouth, flustered, then promptly shut it again, her lips forming into one thin, hot pink line. Lips that matched her newly cut and dyed hair, or what showed of it under the soot. Lily snorted and turned her head, away from th garish site of the filthy psychiatrist.

  


"Ahem," Dr. Jigger continued, "before we were interrupted... have you all begun your treatment?"

  


James looked at Lily, who had recovered herself but was still smiling smugly. Very slightly she shook her head "no" and winked.

  


"Er, no," James responded. "I guess we haven't quite found the time yet."

  


"Ahh, then this can also be a learning experience,' Jigger said. "Observe yourselves under stress, and see how you handle situations. I remember a case like yours, when I was a young counselor fresh off the field... very nice couple, practically right off the altar, and they just couldn't understand one another. In fact," she said, placing the file thoughtfully on the black couch and running a hand through her vivid hair, "I believe I gave them the same treatment."

  


"What happened to them?" Lily asked.

  


"They divorced the next year and the wife got a ton of alimony and ran off with the Seeker from the Calcutta Chimeras... but that's beside the point."

  


James looked faintly sick, and Lily attempted to stifle another laugh. Dr. Jigger herself chuckled, a sound made hollow by the dust and soot covered room. The dust and soot covered Jigger finally seemed to notice the state of herself and her office, and she gasped.

  


"Oh, dear, I'm terribly sorry. I never could get Floo Powder right. Pardon me ...eh... have some coffee." She waved her wand, and a coffeepot and three cups appeared, as she Apparated away, leaving the room in shambles. James was still green faced, but reached out to the floating cups and poured himself some coffee.

  


"What the hell," he whispered furiously, "have we gotten ourselves into?"

  


"Oh, calm down, James," Lily said nonchalantly. "It's just your time of the month."

  


'That's not funny."

  


Lily shrugged. 'Don't worry about it. So she's screwed up. I'll bet she does it a lot."

  


"I don't care what she does, as long as it doesn't endanger this marriage!" Lily watched as her green eyes widened and her face began to blotch with red. She walked over to James and out a comforting hand on his shoulder, and he leaned on her. It was comforting, obviously a gesture he had picked up on from her. "Lil, I don't want a divorce."

  


"Shh, I don't either. We'll be laughing about this when we're 70 and celebrating our 50th anniversary with our kids."

  


"Hmmm..." The room was silent except for a softly playing radio in one of the other rooms, and the sound of someone yelling in Gobbledygook upstairs.

  


"Where is she?" James asked after a few minutes, when the shouting Goblin had calmed down and switched on a TV at full blast.

  


"I dunno. Let's get going." Lily walked over to the door, and held it open for James. "Ladies first."

  


  


-----------------------------

  


The grocery shopping was the easy part, it turned out, as James walked through the aisles of the local supermarket tightly clutching Lily's shopping list. Well, easy except for reading the list itself, which Lily had hurriedly scribbled on her way out the door to meet Sirius.

  


_Bread _was self explanatory, as was _milk_. And the _dozen eggs_. He just had to wonder at the _beer_, though. Lily never drunk beer, no matter how many times Sirius had tried to tempt her. And he wasn't too thrilled about the _economy sized package of feminine products_ that attracted the attention of everyone in the aisle, who felt instantly compelled to stare it him as he walked by. James had a headache, he felt bloated, and he most certainly didn't want to be in the middle of a grocery store with a badly written list shopping list and enough tampons to last through a nuclear holocaust. Luckily, there were only a few more items to buy.

  


_Pasta for Sirius and Lucy dinner party_

  


James groaned. Hopefully, he'd be back to being James again and he'd be able to escape with Sirius out to the shed and hide from the womenfolk.

  


_Whipped cream_ was in dairy, which he had already gone into to get the milk. _Why couldn't she have listed these things according to food group?_ He thought irately.

  


_Confetti_ was just odd. He had no idea why she wanted that. Maybe for the dinner party.

  


And, finally, was the old stand-by: _batteries_. Hopefully, they hadn't been sitting on the shelf for 5 years.

  


The wait in the line wasn't too bad, though his assortment of items was gaining him quite a few embarrased stares and chuckles. The teenaged boy behind the register's eyes bugged out when he saw the cart, and his furious blush made the blooming pimples on his cheeks stand out. He glanced at James through his taped-up eyeglasses.

  


"Tampons... bread, milk, whipped cream, beer, batteries..."

  


"Are those batteries new? I need to use them tonight," James asked, reaching into Lily's purse. The cashier giggled, and nervously twisted his nametag, which bore the name Shredder.

  


"Wild party?" he asked, bagging the groceries up. "That'll be $30.58. Paper or plastic?"

  


"Only by myself," James answered absentmindedly. "Double bagged plastic." The cashier turned even redder and giggled some more as he handed him his groceries and gave him a wide grin, accentuated by shiny metal braces.

  


"Have fun!" Shredder called out to him as the double automatic doors slid closed.

  


------------------------------

  


Penelope was found nervously stirring a cup of coffee under one of cafe umbrellas in the 'Mall', which was actually less of a 'mall' than it was a random collection of shops and restaurants in the center of Ravenclaw Dell. James walked up to her and smiled, dropping his purse on the table and sitting down. 

  


"Hey," he asked. "How are you?"

  


"Oh, fine," Penelope muttered to her coffee. "Wonderful, in fact. I daresay this is the worst day I've had in a while."

  


James frowned, and looked around for a waiter. "What's up?"

  


"Remus and I had an argument, that Lizzy Bristol woman is wreaking havoc at work, and I have a migraine to beat all migraines."

  


"Oh." The waiter, sensing that James needed him, ran off in the other direction to chat with a line of waiters and waitresses who were milling around the hostess' stand gossiping about the customers. He looked over at Penelope, who was a bit red in the face, and whose hands were shaking. "Jesus, was it that bad?"

  


"I suppose." Short and to the point. James vaguely remembered Lily saying something about Penelope when she was in a bad mood. Like "reluctance to speak" or something like that.

  


"About what?"

  


Penelope fixed her bright blue stare on him, and he could see that she had been crying earlier. "About his stupid werewolf thing. He's so fixated on it, that he can't concentrate on anything else. And he lets it rule his thoughts and life. I mean--" her voice was rising, and she noticed this, and quieted down somewhat. "I mean, last night was the night after the full moon, and that was all he kept fixating on. We were being-- oh, dear."

  


"Being what?" James prodded. _Lily probably knows all about this_, he thought.

  


"Well..." Penelope began. "It's not very polite to talk about."

  


"No, do go on."

  


"Well, we were being, you know, _intimate_."

  


James blushed. "Ah. Right. Go on."

  


"Well, the night of the full moon, he accidentally bit me. Of course, it can't do anything to me because of my blood (AN: see "Angel in the Snow"), but all he kept focusing on was the night before. Of course I'm okay. But he was so scared to do anything."

  


James laughed, gaining a strange look from Penelope. "Remus scared? In b-- er, that type situation?"

  


Penny was eyeing him dangerously. "It's possible. What's with you?"

  


"Remus has done that? I never thought. Huh." He grinned.

  


"It was the, er, first time." Penny grinned back nervously.

  


"Oh dear," James began. "I don't know whether to be happy or to scold you."

  


"Lily!"

  


James checked his watch. "Oh, geez. I think we had better get going. The waiters are getting antsy for their tip."

  


"Right." Penelope stood up, smoothed out her skirt, and collected her belongings together. James grinned at her, and lightly touched her arm.

  


"Tell me one thing, though."

  


"What?"

  


"Was it any good?" Penelope laughed.

  


------------------------------

  


"Remus, the wrench."

  


"Huh?" Sirius looked at him strangely as Lily walked around Sirius' garage aimlessly. Sirius had dismissed her after asking for the same tool six times and having Lily not knowing what she was doing. Instead, he had recruited Remus, who seemed strangely distracted and nervous.

  


"Remus, what's with you today? You're a wreck."

  


Remus snapped his head up, and looked at Sirius, startled. "I am not. I just have a lot on my mind."

  


"Hmmph." Sirius turned to Lily, who was busy staring at a stack of biker magazines with scantily clad witches on them, who kept winking at her. "James, could you get me a beer?"

  


"Yeah, and me too," Remus called out. Sirius gave Remus an odd look.

  


"Remus, you don't drink."

  


"Well, there's a first time for everything."

  


Lily looked into the refrigerator and wrinkled her nose. There were 6 packs of beer inside, with the occasional pack of Twinkies and stray cans of Coke. No wonder Penelope refused to set foot down here, what with the girlie magazines and the food. She gingerly picked up a 6 pack, and tossed a can to Remus, who opened it and immediately took a big swig of beer.

  


"Damn, Remus," Sirius remarked, laying down his tools and taking a can from Lily. "If I didn't know any better, I'd say you got laid or something."

  


"Sirius!" Lily exclaimed.

  


Remus spit out his mouthful of beer. "Say-- say what?"

  


A slow smile was spreading on Sirius' face. "I think I don't know any better. There's something old Remus isn't telling us."

  


"I... uh..." Remus hung his head. Sirius let out a whoop of excitement.

  


"Jamsie, you owe me 20 Galleons!"

  


Lily was taken aback. "I do?"

  


Remus, however, seemed shocked, as he lifted his head and stared at Sirius, shocked. "You all were betting on my sex life?"

  


"Well, yeah." Sirius shrugged. Lily supressed a grin. James had never told her this. Remus took another long draft of beer, and settled back, smiling. Lily decided to have some fun.

  


"So how was it?" she asked.

  


"I-- don't really have much to compare to," Remus admitted, frankly.

  


"Well, did you enjoy yourself?"

  


"Who wouldn't?"

  


"Good point," Sirius said. "I remember my first time with Lucy. Like a minx, I tell you."

  


"Sirius!"

  


"She was! I swear... that hair, those eyes..."

  


"Yeah, I'm sure that was it," Remus said sarcastically.

  


"The rest is just an added bonus.." Sirius turned to James. "So how is Lily?"

  


Lily's eyes widened, and she blushed. "She's... fine."

  


"You know what I mean, Jamsie."

  


"No, I don't." _Actually_, she thought, _I do, but Sirius doesn't have to know that_. Sirius slapped his forehead.

  


"Is everyone weirded out today? Remus gets some and the world stops."

  


"Hey now!" Remus exclaimed.

  


Lily shook her head. _Men_.

  


------------------------------

  


The woman at he bridal shop ("Mademoiselle Wendy's Wholesale Wedding Wear") looked like a cross between Olivia Newton-John and Michael Jackson, and was wearing a set of wedding robes is an electric hot pink, studded with rhinestones. She was chewing gum noisily when Penelope and James walked in, and she smiled falsley, her gum smacking along in an unstopped rhythm.

  


"Can I help ya, dearies?"

  


"Yeah," Penny began, absentmindedly. "I need to order some robes for a wedding."

  


"Are you the bride or an attendant, honey?"

  


"The bride."

  


"Right-o. Lemme grab my wand and I'll be right back." The clerk walked into a stockroom that had been hidden by a series of illusion charms that made it appear to hold some very expensive looking antique dresses.

  


James turned to Penny. "Are you sure this is the right store to be looking in? Madame Malkin is a lot more reliable."

  


"I hear from Lucy that this has a wider selection." 

  


"Oh." James looked around. In the far corner was a teenage witch trying on a spandex looking set of robes with a lacy cape and bright blue sleeves. A very obese woman was looking at casualwear, and, just coming from a dressing room, was Lucy Graham herself. She smiled, flipping back her shoulder-length, dark hair and walked over to them.

  


"Hey guys! I didn't expect to see you here!" James groaned inwardly, and Penelope smiled.

  


"I thought you were at work! What brings you to this end of town?"

  


"Oh, I work over near here, not more than 10 miles away." She held up a pink and purple flowered monstrosity with puffed sleeves and a long, crepe-y skirt. "I was just picking up a dress for your wedding, as a matter of fact. Do you like it?"

  


Penelope turned to James, whose eyes were bugging out at the bright;y colored piece of cloth. "Oh, yes. Very much so. Lily?"

  


"I'm sure... It will look lovely."

  


Lucy grinned, showing even white teeth. "Thanks! Well, I have to get going. Just call me when you want another night with the girls and we'll set something up! I have to be getting back to work." She walked over to the register, and pulled out her wallet.

  


James turned to Penny. "Lucy has a job?"

  


"Yeah, but she won't tell any of us what it is. You know, she could be so pretty if only she tried to look a little more... what's the word..."

  


"Conservative?'' James offered.

  


"Yeah, that's it. I mean, look at her. She's gorgeous." 

  


_If I wasn't currently a woman and married... _James thought_. Oh my God, I never thought I'd ever say that_. He glanced momentarily at Lucille Graham, who was taking out her Gringott's Credit Card and handing it to another woman behind the counter, who was trying to read her name.

  


"Lucille Hiatole Jaymita Graham? What kind of name is Hiatole Jaymita?"

  


"Hee-at-o-lee Ja-meet-a," Lucy said, calmly. "it's Indian."

  


"Oh," the woman said, as she processed her credit card. Lucy stood very petite, smaller than both Lily and especially Penelope, but she stood out more than both of them, Her hair was a very shiny black-brown, and her skin was a dusky tan color. But the most startling part was her glittering golden-hazel eyes. Although she was built well, she had a knack for dressing... oddly. At the moment, she stood in front of the saleswoman wearing shiny black boots, a black miniskirt, a bright blue plaid cummerbund and matching bow tie, and a tuxedo shirt with the sleeves ripped off. Very... Original.

  


"Er, I don't think this is quite my style," Penny was saying to the Olivia Newton-John saleswoman, who had come out of the stockroom when James wasn't paying attention. "Maybe... I'll check in at a later date."

  


"Suit yourself, dearie," she said, slightly peevishly. Penny shot James a glance, and beckoned him over. 

  


"Madame Malkin's in 15 minutes," she said, is a harsh whisper.

  


"You got it," James whispered back, and he apparated away.

  


------------------------------

  


"You know something?" Lily said, taking a sip of her 3rd beer.

  


"No, but I know someone," Remus answered back, laughing at his own joke. Lily burst out laughing at it, too, and they sat there for a few minutes while the humor wore off.

  


"What?" Sirius asked sleepily from his seat on his bike.

  


"Men--" Lily held up the can "--are pigs!"

  


"Hear, hear!" Remus and Sirius shouted, also raising up their cans and pronouncing a toast to James' infinite wisdom.

  


"Which makes me glad that I'm not one!" Lily shouted, laughing along with the other.

  


Sirius blinked. "You're not a man, James?"

  


"Nope! For all you all (hic) know, I could be a woman in a man's body! (hic)"

  


"That's just... scary," Remus remarked. "I'm moving (hic) away now."

  


"James, I thunk you've have a dittle loo much to think," Sirius said, and plucked the drink out of Lily's hand. The room was silent for a while, except for the sound of the occasional hiccup and the hum of the heater.

  


"Let's play Quidditch," Lily suggested.

  


------------------------------

  


"32, 26, 34," Madame Malkin said to herself as she took the magical measuring tapes off of Penelope and began fitting them to James. "A bit on the thin side, I see. And lets see what you say." She peered through her spectacles at the measuring tape around James' bust and squinted. "Does that say 34 or 36, dearie?"

  


"34 I think," James said, slightly uncomfortable at being prodded by Madame Malkin. The old lady nodded, and snapped up the tape. 

  


"Any colors you have in mind? White, ivory, cream? I daresay cream would do you best."

  


"Cream is fine," Penelope said, as Madame Malkin popped into the back room and as she looked around the interior of Madame Malkin's Robes for All Occasions, fine robe retailers since 1555. "Go pick out a set of robes you like, Lil. We'll make 'em the bridesmaid's robes."

  


"Who are your bridesmaids?"

  


Penelope frowned. "Well, there's you and Lucy."

  


"Lucy?!" James nearly yelled. Madame Malkin poked her head out of the backroom.

  


"Is everything all right?"

  


"Oh, yes," James called. "Lovely!"

  


"Lily, you haven't been acting like yourself lately."

  


"Well, it's that time again."

  


"Ah." Penelope nodded. "Oh, look, there are the robes now!"

  


"Actually, no," Madame Malkin explained, as she dumped the stacks of material onto a nearby stool, holding onto one, a bolt of luminous cream colored satin which she held up to Penny. James hurried towards the stack of ready made robes, and closed his eyes, blindly picking out the first thing his hands met. _ I'm a man, we don't go dress shopping_, he thought. It was a robe of steely grey fabric that felt like tweed, which he put back. He decided for another shot. Plunging his hand into the rack, he pulled out something that felt silky and cool. He pulled it out, and in his hands was an apple green silk set of robes.

  


"Huh."

  


"What?" Penelope called out to him, as she tried to keep still for Madame Malkin, who was magically altering the luminous cream satin around her.

  


"I found something."

  


"Good for you. Let's out with it." James stepped out from behind the rack, and held out the green robes. Penny grinned, and frowned. "They're really pretty, but I'm afraid not."

  


"Why not?" Madame Malkin muttered through a mouthful of pins.

  


"Well, what do you think? Hold them up, Lil."

  


James held the robes against his body, an Madame Malkin squinted at him.

  


"Well, I don't see why not. Green. Green looks wonderful on redheads. What does your other bridesmaid look like?"

  


"She's Indian."

  


"She is?" James asked.

  


"Of course, lil," Penny responded. "How else would she have gotten the name Hiatole Jaymita?"

  


"The same way Snape's sister got the Name Arianrhod Marisa. I dunno."

  


Penny grinned at him. "Go find your dress."

  


"You're right," Madame Malkin said. "Apple green just wouldn't work. But try them on anyway." James shrugged.

  


_No harm in trying_.

  


They fit like a dream, and he came out and modeled them to the other women, who whistled catcalls.

  


"James will certainly get a kick out of those," Penelope laughed. "Take a look at yourself."

  


"Wait, you said that your other bridesmaid was Indian?" Madame Malkin asked.

  


"Yes..." James said.

  


"Let me try something. I once knew an Indian woman, and she looked lovely like this." Madame Malkin waved her wand around, and the robes turned from an apple green to a bright, shimmery gold.

  


"Perfect!" Penelope gasped. "Get them! Get them now!"

  


"Are you sure...?" James asked slowly.

  


"Yes!" Penelope stepped back, and surveyed herself and James in the mirrored wall. "It's lovely. Really."

  


"Wow, Pen." Madame Malkin wasn't quite finished, but what she had done alrdy was breathtaking. The satin had been arranged to drape across her shoulders, and to fall gracefully to the floor, with a series of buttons running down her back, and a few alterations that made the dress fitted around Penelope's curves. _Maybe this shopping thing wasn't too boring, after all._

  


"Isn't it great? Remind me never to shop with Lucy."

  


------------------------------

  


"I'm sorry, Mr. Potter, but I have to take you in."

  


"What?" Lily yelled, her mind numb with the 4 beers she had ended up drinking, the blaring of the muggle officer's voice, and the fall from her broomstick. Sirius walked up beside her, and put a hand on her shoulder.

  


"Officer, i swear that we were just having fun."

  


"Oh, yeah," the cop began. "Just drinking all night and coming out onto private property with broomsticks for God knows what. Is that what you call fun?"

  


"Well, yeah," Remus said, from behind them.

  


"Right. Why did I have to get the crackpot shift tonight?" The Officer said to himself as he shook his head at the three and motioned to the squad car. "In, the lot of you."

  


"But officer!" Lily protested.

  


"IN," he repeated forcefully, holding the door open. "I always get the drunk nuts."

  


"I'm not drunk," Remus said.

  


"Well I am, but I'm not nuts!" Sirius exclaimed indignantly. "I'd appreciate it if you would differentiate..."

  


"Yeah, Sal?" The officer was saying, taking out the police radio. "We've apprehended a group of drunks right outside of Godric's Hollow... what do you want me to do? Take them in? Well, I don't think... yeah, Sal. If you say so. 10-4."

  


"... and I'm an upstanding member of this community, I tell you," Sirius continued. "I'm always providing fun around the neighborhood."

  


"Sirius..." Remus warned.

  


Lily leaned her head against the bac of the squad car's seats and closed her eyes. _It's been a hard day's night._


End file.
